Vixens: A babe wielding a ball attacks her chesty colleague in the ocean. Fact: if you stare at this cover long enough THEY WILL MAKE OUT!
Front and centre: A woman rewards her son with a hug after he kicked a would-be kidnapper in the nuts. Gee, where have I seen this before?
Front and centre: I think that today's cover would have been more successful if the the Sun had simply mentioned the dead mobster's race. Do you know what I mean? They never fail to mention race in other headlines (e.g. WHITE ATHLETE SCORES GOAL, BROWN MAN WINS ELECTION, etc.). Would it kill them to let us know what the guy in the barrel's eyes looked like?
Front and centre: Good news, friends! It's now perfectly legal to drag a cyclist through Yorkville and "shake him off" your car so you can get to the Park Hyatt in time for cocktails! Provided you used to be Ontario's Attorney General.
Front and centre: A 12-year-old boy has been caught with a loaded gun. Despite this, the madness will still go ahead on May 25 and end precisely at the stroke of midnight. Trust me, you don't want the madness to go on past midnight or you're all messed up the next day, do you know what I mean?
Front and centre: Did you ever have to make up your mind between two newsmakers, both of whom you're deeply in love with? I admit it: my thumping heart is torn over our two astonishing bikini friends! Shall I marry the one on the left? Yes... but then I'll never know how it feels to share a demented laugh with the one on the right. Shall I marry the one on the right? Yes... but then I'll never know how it feels to spend the night with a woman who owns sunglasses. Oh, what's the use? The only way out of this news story is Death! So much for the long weekend.
Front and centre: A guy runs an ice cream truck near Old City Hall for 23 years, goes on a trip to Greece, and when he gets back the city tells him he has to leave his spot. This story raises a lot of ethical questions, but I'll now hand it over to a man named "Bill," who posted two magnificent comments beneath the article. His first comment reminds us of the perils of ice cream:
"I THINK THE DECISION IS A RIGHT ONE AND I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR WHAT HAS HAPPENED. ICE CREAM IS FATTY AND LEADS TO OBESITY IN KIDS. STATISTICS HAVE SHOWN THAT WE HAVE AN OBESITY PROBLEM IN OUR COUNTRY AND EATING FATTY ICE CREAM DOES NOT HELP THE SITUATION. FOR THE PROTECTION OF OUR CHILDREN AND OUR HEALTH I THINK WE ARE FORGETTING THE MORE BIGGER PICTURE ON THIS WHOLE FIASCO. BEFORE COMPLAINING THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND FEEL WHAT IS RGHT FOR THEM. OHIP BILLS ARE SKYROCKETING"
In Bill's second post, he outlines his shouty thoughts on Greece and the Greek people:
"IF THE GUY CAN AFFORD TO TAKE A BIG TRIP TO GREECE THEN HES NOT SO POOR. HE PROBABLY HAS A VILLA OVER THERE LIKE MOST GREEKS AND LIVES IN A BIG MANSION. I HAVENT GONE ON A TRIP IN OVER 25 YRS CAUSE I CANT AFFORD IT. THESE RICH ICE CREAM PEOPLE CAN AFFORD IT AND I BET THE GUY GOES EVERY YEAR TOO! SNOOZE YOU LOOSE I SAY. HE SHOULDNT HAVE GONE TO GREECE IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHY WOULD HE GO ANYWAYS SINCE THEY WERE RIOTING OVER THERE. BOO HOO HOO, THE GUY WHO JUST SPENT $6000 GOING TO GREECE LOST HIS SPOT-GET REAL!"
Tremendous, Bill!
Top: A Toronto woman is missing in a triangle. Also: one day I will create an ice cream flavour that tastes like $30 million.
Bottom: The Hakim Optical woman appears to be flying solo again, yet she still has that forlorn look on her ultrasad face. I'm starting to think that maybe her ex-boyfriend wasn't the problem....
Summary: "THESE RICH ICE CREAM PEOPLE." Shooting fish in a barrel.
*** (out of 5)
Front and centre: A talking dog protests the OSPCA's decision to euthanize his colleagues. In addition, the Sun has made a neutering joke and would like to cut off the OSPCA's "powerballs." To be clear, these balls are abstract and don't exist in nature.
Front and centre: A confession: I can't really concentrate on this "statue without an arm" story. Apparently there's no money to glue his arm back on? Umm. Usually, I'd find out the details, but... a certain female football fan on the cover seems to have caught my eye and made my mind go nuts!
Front and centre: What the hell? I just threw up all over my nightgown. Is David Cronenberg the guest editor of today's cover? And what does he mean saying a "cop did this to me?" No police officer can give a man such a stomach-turning beard! Urgghhh....
Front and centre: A Toronto woman and her three brothers yell nicely at the Montreal Canadiens, who beat Pittsburgh 5-2 last night. Torontonians don't get Habs Fever very often because we tend to wear condoms when we eat smoked meat sandwiches. This may be changing.
Front and centre: It's been such a long time since we've had a scum on the cover of the Sun that I was beginning to wonder if it would ever happen again. I'm glad to say my fears were unfounded and that Toronto is teeming with all sorts of wonderful and innovative scums! So, who is this scum? I think it's fair to say that by his build, the shape of his head and the cut of his coat this scum's name is either J.J. or Thor. Maybe he thought the Princess Margaret Hospital was a Best Buy and was under the impression that Best Buy was offering a "free computer" deal?
Front and centre: Did you know that the City of Toronto has a secret 25-page book containing the names of elite people who are exempt from paying parking tickets? I've seen the book and here are a few of the shocking names in it:
Front and centre: I don't mind if my tax dollars pay for a man to dress up like a brown bear. I don't mind if they pay for a man to dress up like a polar bear. But if you expect me to sit back and keep my mouth shut while my tax dollars pay for a man to dress up like a penguin, I will slap your face and murder your body. We've got a penguin-lover at City Hall, folks. Time for some major change.
Front and centre: The saddest slide ride in the history of the world (and I'm not forgetting about the time Ian Curtis visited a funfair). This girl is supposedly a victim of racism? That's why we need the Sun to demand a better, more tolerant world in which people aren't persecuted because of the colour of their white skin.
Front and centre: The Sun's war against the TTC has culminated in a furious text-based cover inspired by a classic spaghetti western. Ailing women, confused seniors on buses, dimly lit subway stations with dirty stairs—the TTC is exactly like Sergio Leone's 1966 epic. Remember that scene at the beginning, where Clint Eastwood's Man with No Name boards the Dufferin bus and gets his poncho caught in the door? Chilling.
Front and centre: It's always a good day when buses make front page news. And what a nice, big pair of buses we have today, my friend! I'd definitely like to ride them at night. Can you imagine sitting down inside one of them? Just travelling around, chatting with your fellow passengers, dreaming of a better world? It would be a filthy dream come true.
Front and centre: To follow the Sun's logic here, Toronto is Hell and the Gardiner is the highway that leads us into its completely filthy bowels. I guess that makes all of us demons? No wonder we never see God rollerblading down Queen Street anymore!
